Losing your way and coming back

Photo by Jens Johnsson: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-wooden-arrow-signed-66100/

A few years ago I found myself in a crisis state. I had gone back to school to finish a degree in 2017. Since I could only go part time, sometimes only one to two classes a semester, and then tossing in a global pandemic on top finishing that degree ended up taking me four and a half, almost five years. I trudged on through it all because it was a personal goal for me and a promise I had made to my father when I left school as a young woman the first time.

During this time in particular life was a maelstrom swirling around me. First it was the rush to finish my last semester and (finally) graduating followed by a very serious family crisis, catching Covid (now twice), massive changes at my place of employment, the yoga studio that I attended 3 times a week closing, and new employment for my husband which changed our daily schedules quite a bit. All of this made it difficult to maintain my own practice, and certainly difficult to help guide anyone else. In short, I lost my way. I wasn't taking care of myself or taking time for my own mental health. It truly began to show. My temper flared easily. The smallest thing going "wrong" sent me to tears. I felt out of control, lost, scared, and fragile. To be blunt, I was miserable and I was making those around me worried and honestly probably pretty miserable themselves.

Why do I give you all this information? Because, most likely this last few years has been a whirlwind for you as well. You have likely felt alone in that maelstrom of change. At some point in the not so distant past you have probably felt overwhelmed at some point with things inside work and outside in your family/home life. I tell you my story so that you know you are not alone. I sought counseling. I am a strong believer in mindfullness and meditation to promote mental health but I view it as a tool, not a cure. It can't and shouldn't be the only tool. I said enough was enough and I resolved to start working back in some quiet self care time for myself.

It started as taking a few minutes in the morning to read a chapter of a book before rushing to the computer. Then I started adding in a quick home yoga practice when I finished work before heading downstairs in the evening. I resolved to start working back in my meditation practice more regularly.

I walked to my meditation space and the soft spring morning light illuminated it like a beacon urging me home. I can honestly say it took my breathe away with a gasp. I started feeling the stress ease away from my shoulders and neck, The self recriminations that I had been mentally hurling at myself melted away and I took my seat and sat with it. All of it. I gazed on the beauty of the morning and started with my box breathing. Emotions came up; sadness, anger, frustration, fear, guilt, worry. They all crowded my head, but I sat with them and I acknowledged each one. I did not linger with them as they came but released them and focused back on the play of the shadows from the morning light. I could hear the music of my thoughts but I chose not to dance to it. The light stayed as my focus tool.

As I rose, rather stiff since it had been so long, I became aware of the tears tracing down my cheeks and I smiled. All those emotions which had been bound up were released in the space of the 30 minutes I allotted myself that morning. Would all those emotions return? Yes, of course they would, but I finally remembered how to handle them and I smiled because I knew I had found my way back.

Meditation and mindfulness is not about sitting and thinking about nothing. There isn't a human alive that can pull that off. It is about recognizing your thoughts and feelings but not dwelling on them and not allowing them to take root and smother you. Take a moment to find that something beautiful that takes your breath and focus on it for a moment or two. It can be physically in front of you or in your mind's eye but let it smooth away the worry, fear, and anxiety for even the moment because that is the only moment. At that point there is no future, no past, there is only now. Hear the music but do not dance with it.

I wish you peace and relaxation this week.

-A